A Jester With Fools Gold

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I had another dream about her last night. An unnatural never could have happened dream of dreams. My subconscious mixing up all the things I want into a mess of sadness and confusion for when I inevitably have to wake up from. I ended up remembering a dream I had forgotten because of this one. It was based almost directly off that one. I was so infused with this dream that I woke up wondering where the hell I was. The first dream I went to London with a friend. I don’t remember the friend but he doesn’t really matter for the overall plot of the dream. We landed and were looking for a hotel there in the city. It didn’t seem like we had anything planed just wanted to touch down get a place to stay and get wasted at bars, causing a ruckus. I remember the Marriott now. It sticks out since it carries over into last nights dream. I remember talking about it to my friend in the dream, how it would be more expensive to stay here vs some where else but we get to be right there in the middle of the city. We agreed that it was better to pay more and be where the action is.

I don’t really remember the room since I wasn’t in it for long. My friend wanted to settle in but I was already on a roll. I was a man on a mission and that mission was to bar hop till I dropped. I told him where to meet me and I left to the first bar. Now this was London in name but the city looked like this crazy hybrid. If I had to say what the combination was I would say 60% London, maybe 20% New York and 20% Paris. It was really cool to be honest thinking back on it now. The buildings were tall and varied in architecture, the roads seemed to curve about. The whole city seems to take a special shape. But back to the story. I was at a traditional Irish/British style pub. (Lots of dark woods, with medium crowd, appropriately themed music and dimmed lighting.)

I can’t remember what I ordered just that I drank a solid 3 pints before my friend showed up and joined me. We then went all over the city with me waking up at some point. I had forgotten this dream in its entirety until this next dream. Actually before we get to the main dream there was one small pocket of another dream also relating to her that took me back to this city. At some point in the dream I got taken a little too far on the bus. I got off at a stop I know well. The thing is this stop was my dream London. I recognized it and also didn’t at the same time. Thinking back I was probably on the cusp of realizing it was a Lucid dream. I got off the bus and realized I was going the wrong way then turned and went the other way. I noticed how it didn’t look like how I remembered it, but it looked familiar like I was there before. It was some kind of hybrid mix of the street I know and the London from the first and the last dream. Now to finally get to last nights dream.

Me and her were going to London with another friend. We were going as friends nothing more nothing less but there was some noticeable electricity between us and all 3 of us knew It. We were aware of it but nothing really happened and it just kind of sat there in the open. Very similar to how it was in real life when I was still friends with her. My other friend was really just there for the sake of being there. I think my subconscious related him to us since he was there for all the stuff me and her went though. He was my confidant for everything that happened with us in real life, so he ended up coming along here too. I remember sitting with her on the plane and having a laugh the whole way there. I remember taking a nap but telling her if she gets bored to wake me up and we can chat or something. I know she knew if she did get bored that she could wake me up and I wouldn’t mind one bit. I would rather talk to her than sleep any day, in dream and out. She did wake me up in the dream. I’m not sure if she did it for me or if she was actually bored but it was nice regardless.

We eventually land and like the time before we don’t have a place to stay. This is where my last dream comes to me like a memory. I tell her about the last time I went to London and we stayed at the Marriott. I told them we can stay there but it will be more expensive but if we split it, it can be cheaper overall. This is the stuff that really makes it feel like it all happened. The little bits that make me believe it when I wake up. It’s such a mundane real life conversation to have and it’s based on a previous dream/conversation. My friend insisted on his own room and was willing to get that himself but she was willing to split with me as long as there were 2 beds. It worked out and we went to our rooms. That’s when I lost my friend for the rest of the dream. He went to his room and fell asleep for all I know. It was just me and her from this point. She wanted to shower and change before we head out. I normally would have just went my way with things like this in real life and even more so in dreams but I really like this girl and I rather wait for her and spend more time with her than be off on my own getting drunk.

After she’s done her shower she comes out in a towel and I’m a gentleman inside and outside my dreams so I don’t look at her. As a joke she tells me not to stare and I as a retort. I turn to her with my eye line high telling her I wasn’t looking and I wouldn’t do that. I’ll be honest though I’m pretty good with my peripheral vision, I’ll just leave it at that. We have a laugh about that, we seemed to have a laugh about everything. Even in real life as much and we would fight about some things our senses of humour really melded well. I can always get her to laugh and the more she laughed the happier I was. That is until we fight. Back to the dream, I’ll keep this PG for the most party but let’s just say at some point there was some hugging and some kissing and it was clear we wasted some money on the extra bed for that room.

After all of that we went out on the town. Oh and also now that I think about it I think my friend knocked on the door and asked when we’re leaving and we told him we are staying in. Regardless we were out on the town. Hell I was flying. There are these constant flashes of fun and happiness. I remember them not like it was a dream but memories, fond happy memories that never happened. At some point we were on a bridge at night. I think it was London bridge since it’s still fresh in my memory from my actually trip to London. Doesn’t matter just a bridge and it was beautiful. I held her in my arms and we kissed and we were drunk and she was shy still and she pushed my face away and then pulled me back and kissed again. At some point we got back to the hotel and went to bed. I can still feel her warmth in my arms and smell her hair and perfume. It’s a strong memory to me not a dream. But I still woke up in my bed. I woke up in my bed a little confused, and I want to say heart broken but I put my heart into a teddy bear that is probably long gone now. I’m use to this kind of feeling. It’s why I drink so much. It helps, curve the pain and usually under the right doses and entertainment, curves the aggression too.

I feel I love her more now. I’m angry at myself for not being better. Im angry at myself for believing there was no such thing as no win situations. Hard work and dedication can get you nowhere just as much as it can get you somewhere. I feel foolish for thinking I had a chance. I should have known better. I’m a better planer than this but my love for her clouded my judgment of myself and the situation. I put such pride in my strategic sense and my instincts and failed to figure this out. I’m a jester with fools gold thinking I can buy a princess. Sorry if this one was a bit more depressing than usual. I just wanted to write it and truthfully I really miss her. The her from all the dreams and the one from real life.

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